August 14th, 2007

I am so tired. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. The mental fatigue will dissipate soon enough. I will be done with class and with a small break I will not feel the constant mental strain. That will also help with the physical fatigue as I will not be up all night procrastinating with homework.
I have been emotionally exhausted for years. It is nothing new. The criticism and belligerence has always been there. The contempt, defensiveness and withdrawing. It has become a way of being for me. I try to have him see what his words do to me, but he is blind.
My closest friends give me advice. It does not fall on deaf ears. I have become better than I once was at asserting myself. I know I need to be more assertive, and while I may not exhibit my assertiveness, I have acknowledged when I should be and that is the first step. Baby steps. I have become more assertive than I once was, but I do need to be more confident in me and not allow his words to determine my worth.
I will rise above this someday. I will be free to love and grow as I know I should. I will find pleasure in the smallest things in life. I will wake with a smile, and rest my eyes at night with one also. It has already begun just a tiny bit. And while life may be difficult still at times, and I feel weary and tired, I see a ray of sunshine in my days, encouraging me to be. The warmth that guides me.

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