Night Time Thoughts

September 17th, 2007

She lies quietly and wonders to herself where it is all going. Life. What is the reason for the current feelings she is having? Where is it all going to lead? Confusion abounds in all areas. She can no longer concentrate or think clearly. She is easily distracted and forgets everything. No agenda book, or calendar can remind her of everything and she finds herself missing important dates, and then not caring when she does. She wants to run away from it all. She wants no more feeling in life. Everything is just another transaction in this game on earth. In the end does it all even matter?
Why enjoy any particular moment in life, when it is counter acted with a painful one. For each pleasure there is a pain. The more pleasurable the moment, the more pain the counteraction with produce. It is safest to not feel at all. Still staring at the wall, quietly she ponders this possibility. If only it were that easy. She craves the feeling she gets with him. An overwhelming sense of euphoria. His touch, his smell. The way he makes her feel so safe and beautiful when he holds her. She closes her eyes and reminisces for a moment, feeling the slightest bit of this returning to her heart. Oh how she aches when she thinks of him.
For as long as she’s known him, she still gets nervous when she sees him. She shakes with anticipation, her face flush with the thoughts that run through her mind. His embrace is magical as he hugs her. She closes her eyes wishing she never had to let go, breathing deeply enjoying his scent so. Looking in his eyes her heart still melts, losing any will power she may have had. She is putty in his hands. So eager to please as it means more time to be with him. Pleasing him pleases her. She wants to return the feeling that he gives her.
Opening her eyes, she is brought back to the reality of her surroundings. The feeling fades to a faint reminder in the back of her heart. The tears return to her eyes, she can hear the fan spinning as the cat moves restlessly at her feet. Holding her pillow tightly, she gently cries herself to sleep once more.

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